Exploring Choice and Finding Dignity » funny

Hey Trigonometry…you’re a tool

ryanwoods — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 14:01:00 +0000

I realized this morning that I tend to mock things that I don’t understand. This realization wasn’t a joke, it was a genuine awareness that when I don’t really “get” something I somehow end up mocking it. Uber conservatism is an example. I don’t really get why/how people believe that stuff and therefore end up making jokes about it. It’s a bad habit, a destructive habit, and a potentially hurtful habit. I should stop. And I will. Tomorrow.

But sometimes, I realized, it can be a pretty funny habit. What if I started mocking everything I didn’t understand… literally everything…including trigonometry or organic chemistry. So without further adieu here’s my first “I’m Mocking You Because I Don’t Understand You” list:

Hey music theory, why don’t you find something better and more productive to do. Notes are for telling people thank you. Loser.
Hey laser pens, yeah thanks a lot for helping me to point at my Powerpoint slide show. I only wish there was another easier way to do it…oh wait, I have a finger.
Hey you, cellular technology, thanks for the radiation in my ear lobes.
Black and white, are you colors? Are you the absence of colors? Or what? I may not know exactly what you are, but I’m pretty sure you’re boring. Go hang out with purple and learn to have a good time.
Hey Dow Jones…who are you and why did you eat all of America’s jobs? Hungry? Try a hot pocket next time. Dow Jones jerk.
Dear Colin Powell, why isn’t your name Collin? Thats kind of weird, maybe you should stop being weird. Weirdo.
Hey there Ugh boots, you’re Ugh-ly. You make me want to Ugh-chuck my dinner.

My Personal Top 20 Rap Names of the Twenty-Seventh Century

ryanwoods — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 07:38:57 +0000

Do you ever feel like you’re taking crazy pills? Seriously, I feel like I’m so out of the loop on this one that I must be nuts. If I called myself P diddy, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, or Gnarles Barkley and tried to be cool or tough or bad ass or whatever…I’d accomplish none of those feats. Those aren’t bad ass names! Those are kiddie names. Right? Am I crazy? Even if you’re holding a gun I’m going to have a hard time fearing you if you call yourself “Snoopy”, “Charlie Brown”, or “Pigpen”. I’m just sayin’.

And what about the redundancy of the hip-hop scene? While I am fully aware that switching a “K” for a “C” is fun, and while I know that a “$” is always better than an “s” at some point don’t the people within the hip hop scene start to observe the awkwardness of over usage?! We can all spell our names wrong on purpose in silly and interesting ways but it doesn’t make it creative or new. I could call myself “Rye Anne” and probably be quickly accepted within the hip hop community. But “Rye Anne” is kind of a stupid name.

If this is the norm that the hip hop/rap community has accepted, if this is the game they have decided to play, then I’m going to give it a go. I give complete permission to any budding star to use the names I suggest below.

Sir Ca$h
Cilla’ (No, that’s not Spanish. It’s “killer” with the “k” switched to a “c” and an “a” and apostrophe replacing the “er”)
Gnotty Pippen
2-D (like the girl from Facts of Life or as in two dimensional…which just so happens to be how my rhymes are going to smack your face)
Ice Latte
Ice Cream
Cream
TMWGMDCIHG (it could stand for something like “The Man Won’t Get Me Down ‘Cause I Have a Gun”
50 Gigs (pronounced “fiddy gigs”)
Toast Master Deluxe
Deluxe Master Toast
Master Deluxe Toast
Toasty Deluxe
Little Bill (or lil’ Bill)
Doc Chicken
Mick E. and the Gang Haulas
Hypocritz
Boossta
McPickle and the Pickle Gang
Fryd
€lvira (Yes, that’s the Euro sign. How awesome and bad ass is a Euro symbol instead of an E?”
Christian Bale

While I realize that this rap and hip hop is all about the musik and all that jazz…but…I mean…come on! Can’t you still call something goofy and/or redundant when it is! Ke$ha? Lil’ Wayne? T-Pain? Gnarles Barkley? Ice Cube? McPickle and the Pickle Gang? Those are like kiddie playground names, and they’re…well…they’re just redundant in the hip-hop/rap scene. It’s time we all try to be as innovative as Eminem and spell out our initials.

Sincerely,

Arghdubbleyou

Double Rainbow Excellence. What does this mean?

ryanwoods — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 12:04:05 +0000

I feel like I should be able to make some deep spiritual application about joy or something. But I just can’t do it. I just can’t.
Double rainbow. Double awesome.

Stones and Glass Houses

ryanwoods — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 04:52:11 +0000

I absolutely loved this. The whole video is funny, but if you skip to 2:45 you’ll see the most glorious part about people in glass houses throwing stones.

Jewel Dupes Crowd at Karaoke Bar

ryanwoods — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 03:18:45 +0000

This is awesome

Undercover Karaoke with Jewel from Jewel

The Death of the Cool Church

ryanwoods — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 22:32:02 +0000

If you’re going to start a church there are a lot of dumb things you can do. At Renovatus we’ve done many of them, and I think I’ve written that blog post before. But more and more I am becoming convinced that one of the worst things you can do is aim to be cool. Being a cool church is a terrible idea. It sounds fun, it is most definitely appealing, and it could possibly feel very successful. Local Christian college students will flock to your church if you’re cool enough. Depending on your definition of cool you’ll attract decent crowds from different demographics. We all want to be cool, so we are drawn to join and be a part of a cool church. It’s like being invited as an 8^th grader to hang out with a senior. I’m pretty sure it’s a subplot to every episode of Glee. It’s a part of our broken nature, we want to find acceptance and dignity through those that live and act as if they own it. In other words, we want to hang out with the cool kids. So if you have the choice between two churches on your street, and one of them is filled with cool soul patches, cool artwork, and cool pastors that wear sunglasses inside the building like Bono part of us wants to be involved in that church…because if we’re a part of a cool church then we might be considered cool right? It’s Jr. High all over again.

I don’t claim to be able to identify which churches are trying to be cool churches. It’s not that easy. There are some really cool churches that actually have little vested interest in being cool, it is actually a byproduct of their commitment to mission and justice. (There’s always something appealing and kind of cool about a person or group who is confident and sure about who they are and what they’re about…even if it’s an “uncool” thing like loving poor people) As far as I am aware, there are only two definite ways of knowing if a church is seriously trying to be cool:

You name yourself Cool Church
You make your website www.coolchurch.com (Sorry Abundant Life Church but…well…you chose the url!)

Anyway, the reality is that following Jesus is not cool. Dying to yourself is not cool. Loving the unlovely is not cool. Caring for orphans and widows is not cool. Eating meals with those living on the streets is not cool. Following the child of a teenage mom who grew up as a peasant refuge and claimed to be a king only to be murdered as a criminal is not cool. It just isn’t.

When we try to make church cool, we water down what makes us unique, we begin to lose our voice. The Christ follower is invited to be different. And, no, we’re not different because we listen to Michael W. Smith music, we’re not different because we make T-shirts that play off already made products, we’re not different because we don’t sleep in on Sunday mornings, we’re not different because we don’t say cuss words, we’re not different because we don’t smoke cigarettes. I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that Jesus died so that we could be free from smoking cigarettes. I’m sorry, I just don’t believe that Jesus died so that we could go to church on Sundays. I’m sorry, I don’t believe that Jesus died so that we could say “darn” instead of “damn”. I’m sorry, I don’t believe that Jesus died so that we could listen to poor quality and less innovative music (Oops, I’ve got an obvious bias here). Those are all fine and dandy things, but they have very little to do with following Jesus! (though I do believe that the Sunday gathering CAN and should break this mold). When we make our aim to be cool we shift our focus from trying to please God to trying to please people. There’s a difference between pleasing people and loving, accepting, and caring for people. God invites us to be radical. Cool invites us to be mainstream. Mustard seed is not cool, it’s noxious, it’s an annoying weed, its invasive, and it’s the metaphor Jesus uses for his kingdom. Nope, joining in Jesus’ kingdom movement means that you’re going to be an awkward and annoyingly passionate lover of people. It means that you’re going to choose the path of sacrifice and generosity over the path of power and prestige. It means you love the unlovely (including yourself) it means you love people regardless of whether they are considered cool or un-cool.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

Pursuit of cool and pursuit of crucifixion don’t really mesh. I wish they did because it’s always been my secret dream to be cool. I want it like the desert wants the rain. I grew up a poor black child …I mean, a preachers kid, a homeschooler, I married the only girl I ever kissed…while my experiences cause me to have a different definition of cool than most, it has always been my dream to be cool. But the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I get to know him, the more I find myself being freed from the oppression of cool.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Galatians 5:1

Charlie Korsmo Vs. Ben Savage

ryanwoods — Sat, 05 Jun 2010 01:15:09 +0000

Remember Charlie Korsmo? Does the name ring a bell? Oh, you cannot forget little Jack in the movie Hook can you? How about Dick Tracy or What About Bob? The kid was cute as kittens (yes, I did just type that) and was supposed to win the Oscar for his Hook performance. Instead Gene Hackman won the coveted best supporting actor award for his work in Unforgiven (as a side note, umm, remember Curly from City Slickers? Yeah, he won best supporting actor the year before. Something is wrong with America) But little Charlie has not been seen or heard from since his performance in Can’t Hardly Wait back in ’98. All in all, despite his acting prowess Charlie was only in a total of seven movies.

Ben Savage was known for his work in Boy Meets World. While he garnered significantly more film and television roles he was really only known because of his seven year run as Corey on Boy Meets World and as the real life younger brother of Fred Savage from the Wonder Years. Oh Ben, you and Topanga were the perfect couple and I in no way felt awkward watching your love develop through your post-pubescent years.

Today Ben and Charlie find themselves as bitter enemies. Why? Why, you might ask? Well Charlie graduated from Yale law school and spends his time fighting for the Republican party while Ben graduated from Stanford University and for a period of time was an intern to Arlen Specter the well known Democrat. While they are brothers when it comes to the childhood acting ring, the are bitter enemies when it comes to their adult responsibilities. Ben drinks Sprite while Charlie drinks rootbeer. Charlies likes to ski while Ben snowboards. They have become the bitterest of enemies despite their amazing similarities.

The exciting reality is that it will all come down to a fight, a fight to the death, a fight to celebrity death. My money is on Charlie. While he didn’t really get the ladies, he does have sword fighting experience, not to mention the fact that he’s friends with Thudbutt who has that killer roll thing he does. That’s the one rule I live my life by, never bet against a dude who has a friend who can curl himself up into an impenetrable ball and roll around and knock people (including, but not limited to pirates) over.

Jones’ -on the fly- Poetry Slam

ryanwoods — Tue, 27 Apr 2010 23:17:54 +0000

Wish the sound were better. I’ve included the transcript below. Enjoy my son’s poetry…

“I knew who a kid who had a rope and he tied it to his bed and he gave that note to his mom and said ‘I’m plummeting to the ground’ and the rope slipped and he plummeted to the ground from the top of the hotel…I mean from a cliff.”

Singing and Dancing Children

ryanwoods — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 17:18:07 +0000

Please get to know my son through these poorly produced videos. I think you’ll like them.

Jones’ Dream

ryanwoods — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 15:39:43 +0000

My son Jones had a hard time going to sleep last night. He said that he kept having bad dreams about ghosts. When Jessica suggested that he tried to dream about something funny or fun, here is how he responded:

“My dreams…my brain doesn’t get to choose them, the pictures. (all of a sudden he ‘gets a dream’) Now I’m seeing a table. The table has a tiny door that goes inward. I’m going through the door and it takes me to the ocean…”

Good times